Mood of the Moment: contemplative
Stuff I'm Listening To: Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz
Earlier today I took a brain break from the daily Readings From The Job Boards (and escape the soul-sucking torment of pondering whether or not applying for an Operations Assistant position at the Middlesex Ct. DA's office for the fantastically appealing sum of $26k/year was a good idea). I got myself a fresh cup of hot tea, and scanned my way through Facebook and Twitter for a minute of catch-up on the World Outside. My friend, Heather, of Domestically Flawed, had retweeted a very interesting thing on Twitter. The line? "Never feel guilty about following your dreams", and a link to this blog.
Oh dear gods, THIS! This is what I'm trying to figure out. This is where I want to be going. THIS IS WHAT HAS DRIVEN ME BATSHIT CRAZY ALL OF MY LIFE!!! Over the years, most of the times I've talked about getting free of the "traditional" rat maze, I've been told (paraphrased) "It's nice to dream, but you can't do "x" for "y" reasons. Just suck it up and fall in line with what we tell you you need to do". I've even half-believed it, to some extent.
The problem? I don't believe it, and to continue trying to do so always feels like a form of suicide. No, I'm not being melodramatic or downplaying the seriousness of depression (I've been there, thanks). It really does feel like to continue to force myself into the same mold that society decrees I must conform to, I am forced to kill a fundamental part of myself.
My problem? I have no idea how to do it. I try, and I mostly fail. I'm missing some key piece of the puzzle that would enable me to get from where I am, to where I want to be. Instead, I just keep stumbling around in the dark, trying different things and hoping "this time it'll finally work".
If nothing else, I'm stubborn and persistent. I took my grandfather's words to heart. "There's no such thing as can't. There's only won't or don't know how." Well, I will. I just don't know how.
Someday, I will find the map, if it takes me to my deathbed to do it. In the meantime, I take pictures. I draw. I make books, necklaces, and random bit of pretty things. I do the occasional massage. I keep walking.